Anxiety Attack

I want to crawl out of my skin.
I do not want to sit quietly.
My breathing won't still,
I think that's called anxiety.

I feel a sense of panicking,
I want to get up and run away.
The air closes in
and my very last nerves are frayed.

I need to get sleep sometime soon.
I get maybe an hour or two.
I'm exhausted
but somehow I need to get through.

It's time to remember to breathe
in and out slowly and deeply 
It starts to help
the anxiety drops steeply.

Had Enough

All I want is hope.
I can't seem to buy it.
Looking everywhere
finding less than none.


It almost seems like 
someone is against me
trying to hurt me
just for their own fun.


Everything I try
to get help for myself
doesn't seem to work;
I'm coming undone.


Why won't anything
go right for me these days?
Everything I do
seems to get me shunned.


I'm giving up now;
I've really had enough.
No one wants me here
so I say I'm done.

Humpty Revisited

Flecks of broken egg shell

scattered all around;

all that remains of me

when I've fallen down.

They send in their horses

and all of their "men"

trying to put "Humpty"

together again.

9/21/1997

Is Anybody There?

They say you're the professionals,
the ones I'm supposed to trust.
If you can help me I haven't seen it yet.
All we've done is paperwork
So  far it's been a bust.


I looked for help cause I'm depressed,
want to commit suicide
You won't even let me say the word aloud;
too much trouble I suppose.
You take it all in stride.


When do we get to therapy?
It has been quite awhile.
The medication has not started to work
I'm as depressed as I was
I'm feeling quite as vile.


When do I get some help from you?
What is it I have to do?
I'm still thinking about how to kill myself;
I still know how I'll do it
and when I'll bid adieu. 


How, when do I get through to you?
I've been trying to tell you;
you don't want to hear what I have been saying
so do I have to scream it
or just carry it through?

Final Freedom

Freedom:
You don't care
what I say or do
as long as it
doesn't impact you.


My life 
means nothing
if I stay clear
of you at all;
don't increase your fear.


Freedom,
Worthlessness
means that I can
do what I must
to make my last stand.


Best part:
No one cares
except for one;
she's better off
after I am gone.


Dark? Yes.
But it's true,
the way I feel.

Now, it may pass, 
right now it is real.

Where Do You Turn

Where do you go
when there's no place to turn,
when you need help
when you have been spurned?


What do you do
when you're over the edge,
when you reach out,
find only the ledge?


Who do you know
who might see what you need
when you're falling
with increasing speed?


When do you show
people that you need aid?
Can you request
help while you're afraid?


Why is it hard
to just come out and ask
for what you need,
stop wearing a mask?


How do you stop
fearing being ignored
let down your guard,
have your faith restored?


I do not know
the answers to give you
except to say:
Just try it:  do.